


Late night texting and freckles (lams)

by moldymilk



Series: And freckles [1]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Cheating, F/F, F/M, Highschool AU, Homophobia, Kinda shitty, M/M, Modern AU, Suicide, Suicide Notes, alex acts like a cool kid but he's not, im warning you guys the last chapters are gonna get pretty dark, john is new, mostly lams, this is my first fic sO, this started out really fluffy w h a t h a p p e n e d
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-06
Updated: 2017-04-13
Packaged: 2018-10-15 11:40:02
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 10
Words: 9,970
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10555694
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moldymilk/pseuds/moldymilk
Summary: john is a new student. he meets alex outside of the principal's office. peggy is kinda gay. Henry is a dick. All from John's POV(used to be called Another Shitty Highschool Au)





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> this is my first fic and most ships wont get together until many chapters in. i dont really know the whole plotline oops. Enjoy

"Look son, I know you don't want to move all the way to New York, but I have to if I want to further my political career."

Henry Laurens kept rambling, but I wasnt paying attention. He saw me looking dejected and decided that it had to be because we were moving to New York, nothing else. I was actually happy, for once I could maybe get some accepting friends. 

 

*One Week Later*

 

Ah, yes, the first day of school. Finally I'm not obligated to care for my siblings all day AND I get to see other people my age. But, alas, this is high school and people tend to be assholes. I'm consumed by my thoughts as I wander throught the halls trying to find room 176. When I finally find it, a girl opens the door for me.

"Thanks. John Laurens." I say as I hold out my hand

"Margarita Schuyler"

I give her a confused look, then slightly timid "okay"

"Call me Peggy. You must be new, so you can sit by me."

My first class, and I'm not alone. This is going to be a good day indeed.

A few hours later, it was time for lunch. Peggy invited me to sit with her and her sisters, and since I knew literally no one except Peggy, I accepted. Peggy's sisters introduced themselves as Angelica and Eliza. As we ate lunch, I noticed a guy staring at me, say something to his friends, then look back at me. Wait, not me, Angelica. Shit, was he jealous? Was I going to get beat up after school?


	2. The one where he meets alex

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John goes to the principal's office for a check-in. Alex got in a fight

I was walking to the principal's office for a check in thing, just so he could see how my first day was going. As I sat down in one of the chairs to wait, I noticed a small boy sitting next to me. Something about him looked familiar, but I couldn't quite place it. He was kind of cute, and for what seemed like hours I sat there trying not to stare while thinking about how cute he was. My thoughts were interrupted by him saying something.

"I'm sorry what?"

"What are you here for?"

"Oh, I'm here because the principal wants to check in with me since this is my first day, what about you?"

"I got in a fight and almost stabbed my opponent with a pen. Also, what's your name?"

"John"

"Well John, I suppose we lead very different lives."

"I suppose we do"

He hands me a slip of paper.

"Maybe in our different lives we will meet more than once"

Damn he was smooth. I didn't know what to say, but luckily the principal came out and called me into his office. I didn't look at the note until I was in the halls. It was his phone number, signed with A.Ham. It didn't occur to me that I never asked his name. I managed to find Peggy in the halls after, and I told her what happened.

"If cute boy gets to text you and I don't I'm going to flush your phone down the toilet. What's your number, Johnny," Peggy says, pulling out her phone. I'm happy as I give her my number, because finally someone wants to be my friend. Suddenly, my phone buzzes with a text from my dad.

"Shit, Peg, I gotta go. My dad's waiting outside. See you tomorrow," I shout over my shoulders as I run out of the building. Today was a good day.

 

"Look son, I know you don't want to move all the way to New York, but I have to if I want to further my political career."

Henry Laurens kept rambling, but I wasnt paying attention. He saw me looking dejected and decided that it had to be because we were moving to New York, nothing else. I was actually happy, for once I could maybe get some accepting friends.


	3. The texting one

**Unknown Number** : JOHN

**Unknown Numbe** r: JOHN ITS PEGGY

**Laurens** : peggy whY are you YELLING

**Peg** : IM JUST EXCITED

**Peg** : HAVE YOU TEXTED CUTE BOY YET

**Laurens** : no,,,,, not yet,,,,,

**Peg** : john what's your middle name

**Laurens** : im not telling you that

**Peg** : ill just make one up then

**Laurens** : ....

**Peg** : JOHN SHITFUCK LAURENS TEXT THAT BOY RIGHT NOW

**Peg** : I AM YOUR MOTHER NOW DO AS I SAY

**Laurens** : 1. my middle name is not shitfuck

**Peg** : it is now, john shitfuck

**Laurens** : 2. youre not my mom

**Peg** : thats debatable

**Laurens** : 3. its 2:47 am im at least 89% sure hes asleep.

**Peg** : youre awake

**Laurens** : ugh fine mom

_**TO: A HAM** _

**Laurens** : hey are you up

**A ham** : I am now, who is this?

_**TO: PEG** _

**Laurens** : PEGGY I WOKE HIM UP SHIT WHAT DO I DO

**Laurens** : ALSO HE USES PROPER GRAMMAR AND SHIT HELP ME

**Peg** : i would suggest not leaving him on read at 2:50 in the morning

**Peg** : text him back idiot

_**TO: A HAM** _

**Laurens** : its john from the principals office today

**Laurens** : wait no it was yesterday

**A Ham** : It was yesterday

**Laurens** : i didnt catch your full name

**Laurens** : just a. ham

**A Ham** : I didn't drop it.

**A Ham:** Would you like to meet up in the library after school today so I can drop it?

_**TO: PEG** _

**Laurens** : PEGGY HE ASKED ME TO MEET HIM IN THE LIBRARY AFTER SCHOOL

**_seen 3:01 AM_ **

**Laurens** : MARGARITA SCHUYLER

**Peg** : what

**Laurens** : is ?? it ?? a ?? date ??

**Peg** : time will tell not me

**Peg** : have you accepted yet

**Laurens:** shit i haven't

_**TO: A HAM** _

**Laurens** : is 3:15 oaky

**A Ham** : 3:15 is okay as long as you can spell correctly :)

**Laurens** : i promise i can im just tired

**A Ham** : Get some sleep John. sleep is good for you

**Laurens** : goodnight hammy

**A Ham** : Goodnight Johnny


	4. The one where he stands alex up but not really

I woke up and went to school just like the last day. Today was pretty uneventful, except for when Peggy "accidentally" got blue paint in my hair during art. I didn't mind, nor did I care, so I didn't wash it out. As I was walking to the library, Eliza came up to me. 

 "John, there you are, I've been looking everywhere for you," Eliza pants, out of breath 

 

 "What's up 'Liza?" 

 

 "Angelica says to haul your ass to the cafeteria pronto." 

 

 "Eliza I have somewhere to be" 

  

"John she needs to show you something NOW" 

  

Eliza's tone kind of scared me, so I agreed to go with her. On our way there, I texted Ham 

  

TO: A HAM 

  

Laurens: shit sorry i cant make it to the library something came up. tomorrow? 

  

I didn't expect him to reply right away. Why would he, after I stood him up? I was shaken out of my thoughts as Eliza and I reached the cafeteria. She held the door open for me and I made my way over to Angelica. She was yelling at some guy who ran away. 

  

"What did you need me for?" 

  

"John Laurens I need you to do something for me." 

  

"What" 

  

"I need you to give something to Maria Reynolds." 

 

"Who?" 

 

"See that girl over there?"  

 

"Yeah, why?" 

 

"That's her" 

 

"Yeah but why do you need me to give her something why not Eliza or Peggy?" 

 

"John I'm doing this for Peggy and she would recognize Eliza" 

Reluctantly, I took the note.  "Fine, but you owe me one," I tossed over my shoulder while walking over to Maria. After giving her the note, I went back and told Angelica I had safely delivered the note. I was about to start my walk home when I noticed a fight. As I fought my way to the front of the crowd, I tried to figure out who was fighting. I recognized Thomas Jefferson, one of the popular kids, right before he was punched by a smaller kid. I couldn't see his face, but something about him looked familiar.  Was it A. Ham? As I tried to move around the circle to see his face, Thomas Jefferson was bombarded by a round of punches in his face. "ALEXANDER HAMILTON," he roared, to which his opponent responded with "What Thomas? Are you too afraid to accept defeat?". That voice was familiar. The boy who just kicked Thomas Jefferson in the balls is A. Ham. And his full name is Alexander Hamilton.  

 

I needed to tell Peggy about this. I suppose I can't call him Mr. No Name Kid anymore, but hey, Alexander Hamilton, will you fight for me? 

 

 

  

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> have i mentioned that i fucking love heathers and half of this chapter was inspired by heathers. if heathers didn't exist they would've met in the library wow


	5. The one where alex confirms his identity

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 2 chapters in one day bc why not also tomorrow's chapter is getting kinda long buckle your seatbelts kids

**_TO: A HAM_**  

**Laurens:** sorry i stood you up in the library today 

**Laurens** : my friend needed me to do something for her 

 

I turned my phone off and waited for a response. Would he be mad? Was he even at the library? Was he the one fighting Thomas Jefferson? What was the note about? Why was it about Peggy? Did Peggy think A Ham was really Alexander Hamilton? Shit I forgot to tell Peggy! 

 

**_TO: PEG_**  

**Laurens:**  PEGGY I THINK I FOUND OUT WHO A HAM IS  

**Peg** : im kinda maybe on a date,,,,,,, can we talk later 

**Laurens** : FUCKING CONGRATS PEGGY also yeah sure 

 

I awaited a response from Ham still. Should I call him Alexander? Can I call him Alexander without being fully sure that's his name? Could A. Ham and Alexander be completely different? Even if they were different people, they were both cute. I hadn't really gotten a good look at Alexander's face or Ham's face. Could I even recognize them if I saw them in person? I decided to check my phone before my thoughts became too paranoid. I had a text from A. ham 

 

**_FROM: A.HAM_**  

**A ham:** Don't worry about it. I got caught up in something too, so I couldn't make it either. 

**Laurens** : by any chance was it a fight with thomas jefferson 

**A ham:**  By some chance it was, John. How do you know this? 

**Laurens** : I was there for part of it, alexander 

**A ham:**  I see you figured out my name. Did you happen to have blue paint in your hair? 

**Laurens** : yeah I did 

**Laurens** : would you care to attempt at meeting up again 

**A ham** : Yes, my dear Laurens, I would care to attempt at meeting up again. Same place, same time? 

**Laurens** : of course, my dear hamilton, just don’t get in a fight again 

**A** **ham** : I'm impressed you're actually using proper English. Until tomorrow, Johnny 

**Laurens:** Until tomorrow, Lexxy 

 

At this point I didn't realize I was using grammar. I suppose Alex was starting to rub off on me a little bit. It wasn't until now that I realized how tired I was. Tomorrow, I'll ask Peggy about her date, do most of my homework, actually put effort into getting dressed, and the meet up with Alexander. I wonder if he's thinking about me too.


	6. The one where he and Alex kiss in the library

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> holy shit this took me literally the whole day. also peggy might get a little mad next chapter.

Unlike yesterday, I actually made it to the library today. I sat in one of the chairs waiting for Alexander to show. I picked out a book to read for an english project, then started on my calculus homework. Alexander sat down next to me. 

"You're doing that problem wrong," he said, and I hadn't realized he was looking at my homework. "I suppose you know how to do it correctly, Alexander," I don't know why I said that, he probably didn't know what I was doing. God, John, you're so stupid. "Call me Alex. Also, yes I do know how to do it correctly, I passed calc last year." Alex then proceeded to re-teach me the lesson. 

Five minutes later, I had finished my calculus homework with Alex's help. It seemed as though neither of us knew what to do next, so I awkwardly fiddled with my fingers. I didn't realize I was staring at Alex's face, but I was. His brown eyes seemed to glimmer with amusement, his right eye a little swollen and bruised from the fight yesterday. He had dark circles under his eyes from lack of sleep. It wasn't until then that I realized he was staring at me too. I watched as his eyes scanned my face as if trying to memorize every detail, like he might never see me again. We subconsciously moved our faces closer until we kissed. 

It was like thousands of fireworks going off in my head all at once. It felt so wrong, yet so right, at the same time. Thousands of thoughts were racing through my brain all at once, and I wondered if he was feeling the same way too. It was purely euphoric. Then he broke the kiss off. 

"John Laurens, would you care to get coffee with me now?"   
"I would love to, Alexander Hamilton" 

Alex had a car, and we ended up at a nearby Starbucks. After ordering our drinks, we sat down at a table in the corner. Alex was the first one to talk.   
"Now that we've almost made out in the school's library, I realized I barely know anything about you, John Laurens. Where are you from?" 

"Well, I'm from South Carolina, my dad moved my family here so he could continue his political career. What about you, what's your story?" 

"I was adopted by George Washington, y'now, the senator. I don't know much about my life before I got adopted but I know I'm from the Caribbean. What are you into John?" 

"You"   
It slipped out before I had the chance to think. I then realized that I had a crush on Alexander Hamilton. The boy I barely knew, the one I kissed in the library. The short feisty boy who got in a fight on the first day of school. Damn, if only my dad knew that his 'perfect little boy' with straight A's who never skipped class had a crush on the trouble maker, and a boy none the less. 

"Shit Laurens, I thought I was smoother than you" 

We talked for an hour more about life, family, friends, and school. Then I went home. I was greeted at the door by my dad asking me where I'd been. I accidentally let it slip that I was on a date.   
"Next time tell me when you're going to be getting home late, but on another note, when do we get to meet this lucky lady?" 

I forgot that my family didn't know I was gay. I didn't know how my dad would react, so I never bothered to tell him. I mumbled "Soon, I guess," then headed upstairs to my room. I needed to tell Peggy what happened, so I texted her 

TO: PEG   
Laurens: hey can you talk now or 

As I waited for a response, I let my thoughts wander over to Alex. The way he tasted, like instant coffee and mint gum, might've been a horrible taste in anyone else's mouth, but not in his. He seemed special to me, like he could actually kill a man in front of me and I would still want to make out with him. I don't have a murder kink or anything like that, but damn, Alex was hot. I didn't realize I had called him, but I had. He picked up after the second ring. 

"Hey Johnny," he said, drawing out the y   
"Hey, Lexxy, what are you doing?"   
"Literally nothing, what about you?"   
"I'm just drawing turtles and shit and I'm bored"   
Suddenly there was a shout from Alex's side of the line.   
"Alex what was that?"   
"Oh, that was just one of my friends, Hercules Mulligan. He dropped a book on his foot"   
There was an awkward pause.   
"Hey, maybe you should sit with us at lunch tomorrow, it'll be fun not to be the third wheel for a day"   
"Of course I will, Alex"   
"My night in shining armor is coming to save me from you two tomorrow"   
"What?"   
"That was for my friends, sorry. They're dating, which is fun, but it makes it a little difficult to hang out sometimes."   
"Well, I should go. Dinner's ready for me. See you tomorrow, Hammy."   
"See you tomorrow, night in shining armor"   
I hung up, smiling. Everything seemed perfect, except the fact that I still had to come out to my parents. Hopefully, they'll be accepting. My phone buzzed as I had gotten a text from Peggy, asking what happened. I quickly told her almost everything, carefully leaving out the parts about my parents. For the first time in what seemed like years, I was genuinely happy.


	7. The one where john comes out to his parents

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm probably not gonna be updating as often as I have been this week bc of school so it's either gonna be a short chapter per day or 1-2 long chapters a week so

The day was a blur until lunch. I entered the cafeteria and looked around for Alex. After finding him, I sat down next to him. 

"Herc and Laf are on their ways. I just texted them"   
I noticed Peggy staring at me.   
"Alright cool. I'm gonna do something so I'll be right back."   
I left the table without waiting for a response. I reached the Schuyler Sister's table in less than a minute.   
"John why aren't you sitting with us today?" Peggy questioned   
"I'm eating with Alexander Hamilton and his friends today because he asked me to. I'll probably end up eating with you guys again tomorrow."   
"Ok, fine. See you on art."   
There was a bit of venom in her tone, like she was mad at me. I'll just ask her about it later. I walked back over to Alex's table to find two other people sitting there.   
"Hey. I'm John Laurens," I say, kinda awkwardly.   
"Oui, mon ami, I know who you are. Je suis Marie-Joseph Paul Yves Roch Gilbert du Motier, Marquis de Lafayette, but you can call me Laf," The smaller of the two says "The hunk next to me is Hercules Mulligan, my boyfriend."   
He had a French accent, and I guess I looked confused about it because Alex said, "He's lived in France until he was 10. He's also my adopted brother." Something about him looked familiar, and when I realized it I said it out loud too.   
"You're the kid who was staring at Angelica on the first day of school!" Lafayette chuckled a bit, then said "You're the kid who was sitting with them on the first day of school" The rest of the lunch period went by quick, until the end when Alex invited me to their Monthly Friday Sleepover, which just happened to be tonight. "Yeah I can, I just have to do some things at home first. I'll be at your house around 6." 

Four hours later, I was at home packing. My parents knew I was going to spending the night at a friends house, but they didn't know I was coming out before I left. I really hope they would be accepting. 

An hour and a half later, I asked my parents to meet me in the living room before I left. When they sat down, I began to talk.   
"So, you guys know how I was on a date yesterday"   
"Yes, and?"   
"Dad asked me when he would get to meet her and"   
I took in a breath.   
"It's not a her. It's a him. I went on a date with a guy. I'm gay."   
There was a pause. My mom was the first one to talk.   
"Honey, you know we'll always love you no matter what. I support you."   
My dad just said "I support you too," but I could see it in his eyes that he was disappointed that I was gay. I shrugged off the thought, at least for now, then left for Alex and Lafayette's house. 

When I arrived, Hercules was already there. Laf was in his lap, and Alex was on the other side of the couch. I sat down next to Alex.   
"What movie do you guys want to watch?" Hercules asked, opening netflix on the tv.   
"I want something from the 80's or 90's," Alex said, and I didn't realize how closely we were sitting on the couch. I suggested Scream. Alex objected by saying, "I don't like horror movies." Lafayette retorted with "Mon ami, ce n'est pas a horror movie, c'est a slasher. No ghosts or demons. However, if you do get scared, you can always cuddle up next to John." I blushed a bit. Hercules chuckled. Alex sighed, accepting his defeat. Lafayette started the movie. 

After the first murder, Alex was curled up, almost on top of me.   
Half an hour later, my arm had made its way around him and I was now holding him.   
With ten minutes left in the movie, Alex was asleep.   
Five minutes after the movie ended, Hercules put on Scream 2.   
Twenty minutes into Scream 2 Alex woke up and started playing with my hair.   
Ten minutes later he fell back asleep.   
Five minutes later I was playing with Alex's hair.   
Fifteen minutes I fell asleep. 

I woke up to a flashing light. Herc and Laf had taken a picture of Alex and I cuddling, for reasons I hope I never find out. The movie was over, and it was only 10:34. Alex was woken up too, so I went to go get more snacks while Alex wrapped himself in blankets. 

Alex came into the kitchen just after I put the popcorn in the microwave. I guess he was still half asleep, because he looked at me for a really long time and then say, "you're really cute."   
"You are too, Alexander."   
Alex made himself a cup of coffee. 

"Alex its almost fucking 11 at night why the fuck are you making coffee?" 

"So I can look at you longer"   
"That's a little creepy but okay"   
Alex blushed.   
"No, I just mean you're really hot and I barely see you during the school day so I'm trying to memorize your face so I can- Wait no."   
"Alex"   
"What were you going to say"   
"Nothing"   
"Alexander"   
"I was going to tell you, oh fuck, John, I really want to date you."   
"Alex I-" He cut me off.   
"John it's fine that you don't like me. You can go if you like, and I can leave you a-" I cut him off my kissing him. This was more intense than our previous kiss, more fireworks, more butterflies, more feelings. After what seemed like years, I cut the kiss off.   
"Alexander, your feelings are mutual. I would enjoy being your boyfriend."   
"So are we dating now, or"   
We sat down on the kitchen floor.   
"I suppose we are. However, I prefer the more old-fashioned dating to the modern digital dating."   
"How old-fashioned are we talking? 1700s? 1800s? 1900s? You know what John, I'm just going to guess. By any chance, can I have your address?" I sighed and gave him my address. We kept talking until 1 in the morning, when Alex and I finally decided to go to bed. We walked to his room, then he cursed. "Shit, Dad forgot to set up the other air mattress." "Whatever shall I do, except share the bed with my amazing boyfriend?' I said, feigning fainting. Alex rolled his eyes. Then we got changed and went to bed.


	8. The one where Alex sends John letters but then shit gets real

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the letters are kinda real i just changed a few things

I woke up next to Alexander. Just looking at his face brought back memories of what happened last night. He was the boy that I kissed in the library and in his kitchen. He was the boy I met in the principal's office. He was the boy that I came out to my parents for. He was my _boyfriend_. And I was happy. 

 

On Monday, Alex came to school with dark circles under his eyes. I asked him why. He said I would see. 

Peggy came up to me in art. We caught up on everything that was happening in each other's lives, including that she was dating Maria Reynolds. I told her that I came out to my parents. "I wish I could," she said, "but I'm too scared to tell them I'm bi." I told her that it's okay not to be out. After I got home, my dad told me that I had a letter.  It was from Alex. 

 

_"_ _Cold in my professions, warm in_ _my_ _friendships, I wish, my Dear Laurens, it_ _mi_ _ght_ _be in my power, by action rather than words,_ _to_ _convince you that I love you. I shall only tell you that 'till you slept in my bed, I hardly knew the value you had taught my heart to set upon you. Indeed, my friend, it was not well done. You know the opinion I entertain of mankind, and how much it is my desire to preserve myself free from particular attachments, and to keep my happiness independent on the caprice of others. You sh_ _ould_ _not have taken advantage of my sensibility to_ _ste_ _al_ _into my affections without my consent. But as you have done it and as we are generally indulgent to those we love, I shall not scruple to pardon the fraud you have committed, on condition that for my sake, if not for your own, you will always continue to merit the partiality, which you have so artfully instilled into me._  

 

_Yours,_  

_Alexander"_  

 

Damn, Alex was smooth.  

 

On Tuesday, Peggy texted me at 3 in the morning. 

 

**_FROM: PEG_**  

**Peg:**  hey babe wanna come over my sister is out and I don’t have to tell her ;) 

**Laurens** : um what 

**Peg:**  so you're not coming over 

**Laurens** : peggy are you sure youre texting the right person 

**Peg** : oh shit sorry john that was meant for someone else 

 

Then again, at 3:30 

 

**_FROM: PEG_**  

**P** **eg:**  aw babe I'm gonna miss u for the next few days but I know we have to be careful. Can you come over saturday tho 

**Laurens:**  peg wrong person. Let me sleEP 

 

I didn't think much about it. When I asked Peggy, she said they were meant for Maria. It made sense, so I let it slide. Alex still had dark circles under his eyes. I received another letter. 

 

_"_ _That you can speak only of your private affairs shall be no excuse for your not writing frequently. Remember that you write to your friends, and that friends have the same interests, pains, pleasures, sympathies; and that all men love egotism._  

_I have still a part for the public and another for you; so_ _Adieu, be happy, and let friendship between us be more than a name_. 

 

_Yours, Alexander_ " 

 

This letter was shorter than the last, but it still made me happy. He made me so happy. When I saw Peggy in the halls, I saw her talking with Maria. Peggy had dark circles under her eyes, but not Maria. I wondered if Peggy was talking to Maria at all.  

 

On Wednesday, nothing happened. To my disappointment, I didn't receive a letter from Alex. I texted him.  

 

**_TO: HAMMY MAN_**  

**Laurens** : hey 

**Hammy Man:**  Hey. 

**Hammy Man:**  Can you meet me at the Starbucks where we went on our first date? I need to give you something. 

**Laurens** : yeah ill be there in 10 

 

When I got to the Starbucks, Alex was already sitting at a table with two drinks, one of them being the one I ordered on our first date. I sat down. 

"Look John, I know we've only been dating for a few days, but" I took in a breath. This was it, this was the end. He had grown tired of me already, and now he was breaking it off. I braced myself for the rest of the sentence. I braced myself to let go of the memories, of how beautiful and peaceful he looks when he sleeps, how beautifully angry and stubborn he is when he's awake. I looked down as Alex finished the sentence. "I want to give you something." He put a shoebox on the table in front of me. "I want you to open it when you're feeling sad. I want you to pull out one of the letters inside, I want you to read it, and I want you to be reminded of how much I love you." I smiled. "I was going to mail all of these to you, but it would've taken so long and I don't want to pay for that much postage." God, he was adorable. 

 

On Thursday, Peggy sat with us at lunch. She seemed to be staring at Alex, and I couldn't figure out why. But then again, who wouldn't want to stare at him. He was the hottest guy I knew. 

 

On Friday, she went back to sitting with her sisters. Alex and I skipped the last period of the day to go sit in a park. We lay on the bench swing, my head in his lap and both of us looking up at the clouds. It was pure bliss, and it was then that I realized that I was going to paint this exact moment for my art final this year. 

 

A month of days exactly like this went by. Then on one Friday it happened. 

 

Alex and I were making out in his bed. He broke the kiss off. 

"John I'm not sure I'm ready to go all the way yet." 

"Alex, are you okay? I can leave if you'd like." 

"I just- I don’t want to have sex yet. I'm waiting for a better time." 

"Lexxy that's okay" 

"I think you should go, John" 

I left. I don't know what I did, but I didn't want to question further. As I was walking home, I ran into James Madison. I had never really seen him without Thomas Jefferson before, so I wasn't really sure it was him. He stopped to greet me. 

"Hey, John" 

"Hey James" 

"How have you been?" 

I didn't expect him to actually be nice. But here he was, asking me how I was doing. 

"Fine, I guess" 

"Just so you're aware, if you ever need to talk about your problems, you can always text me." 

He gave me his phone number. I probably wasn't going to text him. Then I went home. 

 

My dad was waiting for me at the door. He asked how my day was, how everything was going with my friends, and how everything was going with my boyfriend. When he said boyfriend, I swear there was a sneer in his voice, but I didn't care. I did care though. I cared what my dad thought about me.  I decided to ask him. 

 

"Hey dad, are you sure you're okay with me being gay?" 

"Son, do you want the truth?" 

"Yes." I looked him directly in the eyes. 

"No. I'm not okay with having a homo" He spat the word out like it was venom "for a son. When you were born, I thought you were going to be a normal kid. But no. You had to grow out your hair, you had to quit every sport I tried to get you into, you had to turn into _this_." He gestured towards me. At this point, I was doing my best to fight back tears. I ran up to my room, cried for a bit, then decided to text James. 

**_TO: JAMES MADISON_**  

**Laurens** : hey can I talk to you about something? 

**James:**  yeah bro anything 

**Laurens** **:**  my dad hates me for being gay and sometimes it just gets to be too much ynow???? I wish I had never come out to him but here I am not feeling safe in my own home 

**James:**  I'm sorry john. You seem like a good person 

 

I thought he was just being sympathetic but no. I had no fucking clue the storm that was coming.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> holy shit this isnt what i planned but its happening NOW


	9. The one where i Have no clue what happens

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> holy shit this was 2000+ words and I cant remember half of them

When I got to school on Monday, Thomas Jefferson greeted me by my locker. 

"Well, if isn't John, back from disappointing his dad by sucking Alexander Hamilton's dick" 

"Fuck off Jefferson" 

"I don't think I will" 

"Why not, asshole? Do you some other insults you had to have James act like a decent human being for?" 

"Leave James out of this" 

"Why? You brought him into this by having him talk to me in the first place. Can you actually do anything without him?" 

Thomas tried to punch me. I ducked, and he hit some freshman who was standing behind me. I threw a punch, but not at him. At James Madison, the asshole who sold me out. 

 

I hit him in the ribs. He stumbled back a few feet. Thomas yelled in frustration. Not even words, just a primal screech. He swung again, this time connecting with my head. I blacked out. 

 

I woke up in a bright white room. I wasn't wearing the clothes I wore to school, no, I was wearing a fucking hospital gown. Thomas Fucking Jefferson put me in the hospital. I looked around and saw no one, so I tried to get up and look for anyone I knew. As soon as I sat up, my head hurt so bad that I had to lay back down. God, what did Thomas do to me? One of my eyes was swollen, my there was dried blood underneath my nostrils, my stomach was extremely sore, but what was the worst is that my fucking wrist was in a cast. I might've broken it punching James, but _god damn_ that was my first fight. And it landed me in the hospital. 

 

I finally found the nurse call button, so I pressed it. A nurse came running into the room, so I asked her if anyone could tell me what happened. She started reciting some medical bullshit, so I just asked her if there was anyone here to see me. She said there was a boy waiting for me, so I had her send him in.  

 

I expected it to be Alex, who was somewhat the reason I got into this fight, but no. It was the one and only back-stabbing James Madison.  

"James what the fuck are you doing here" 

"I came to apologize. Thomas overreacted because he tends to be extremely protective of me, so I'm here on his behalf. Also for telling him you know..." He trailed off. 

"What happened after I blacked out" That was more of a command than a question. 

"Thomas kept kicking you. I told him to stop, but he didn't. Some guy jumped on him after Thomas beating you for ten minutes." 

"Shit, who was the guy?" 

"It wasn't Alex if you were wondering. It was the French kid. I forgot his name, it was something like Laffy Taffy though" 

"Lafayette" 

"Yeah, that's him. He and Thomas were hauled to the principal's office after you were taken away from school." 

"Is Alex here?" 

"No, sadly. I texted him to come, but he said he was busy" 

How sad. My boyfriend knew I got the shit kicked out of me, but I checked my phone and not even a "u ok" text. Wow, Alex. Nothing from Peggy either. Not even my parents came, just James. The nurse came, ushering James out. She told me I would have to stay at least one night, and that I had no more visitors. I didn't end up getting any other visitors at all. As soon as I got out of the hospital, I biked straight to Alex's house. After about a minute of pounding on the door, Hercules opened the door. I had forgotten it was Friday. My friends were having the montly movie night without me.  

"Hey, John. How have you been?" 

"Terrible. Where's Alex?" 

"I think he's in his room, why?" 

I didn't respond, barging past him. As I made my way upstairs, I thought of what I was going to say. I pounded on Alex's door.  He opened it. 

"ALEXANDER WHAT THE FUCK" I yelled. I didn't care if Herc or Laf heard me, or if the Washingtons heard me, I only cared if Alex heard me. 

"John what did I do to deserve you yelling at me?" 

"Thomas Jefferson put me in the hospital. The fucking hospital. For almost twenty-four hours. And you didn't come and visit me, or call me, or even text me. I know you knew I was in the hospital, Alexander. So why. Why didn't you fucking make sure I was okay?"  I felt my cheeks flush. 

"To be honest John, I was so swamped with shit that’s been happening in my life, I didn't have the time to visit or text." 

"mhm" I said flatly. It seemed like he was lying. 

"The Schuyler Sisters are throwing a party in two weeks. Would you care to join me as my boyfriend?" 

"If you can prove that I'm important to you in less than two weeks, then yes. If not, then no." 

I turned around to leave. As I reached the front door, I felt Alex's arms wrap around me. He whispered his goodbyes in my ear. I didn't say anything in return, I just left. Part of me wished I had returned his goodbyes. Part of me wished those would be the last words I heard from him. The rest of me wanted to cry. As soon as I got home and into my room, I slid down the door crying. I don't think my parents even noticed I was gone. Fuck, I hate this.  

 

After the first week, Alex still hadn't earned my trust back. He had given me a bouquet of flowers, some chocolates, a card, basically Valentines day bullshit. He had also texted me good morning and good night every single day. On Friday, I texted him. 

 

**_TO: ALEXANDER_**  

**Laurens:** commercial things aren't going to earn my trust back 

**Alexander:**  ok, so it's time for plan 2 

**Laurens** : ngl im a little scared  

 

I lay awake wondering what plan two was. All of a sudden, I remembered the box he gave me a few weeks ago. I forgot what was inside, so I opened it. It was full of envelopes, all addressed to 'My Dear Laurens'. Then it hit me: they were all letters. Letters he had written that were to be opened when I was feeling shitty. And right now, I was feeling pretty shitty. I opened one. 

 

" _My Dearest John,_  

_If you are to_ _ever forg_ _et how much I love you, look at the freckles on your body. Every single freckle, every single blemish, stands for a reason I love you. When you look at yourself, I hope you see exactly what I see: perfection. I love the way your eyes glitter when you talk about things you're passionate about, I love how you can keep your calm when people insult you. I love everything about you, John Laurens. I love_ _you_ _._  

_Yours Forever,_  

_Alexander Hamilton_ " 

 

If anything was going to earn my trust back, it was these letters. I probably would forgive him on the spot if he gave me one of these. He didn't give me another letter. However, he did do something that was almost the equivalent. 

 

Thomas Jefferson had just returned from his suspension. The motherfucker had the audacity to wait for me near my locker again, and to taunt me again. 

 

"Still Daddy's little disappointment, I see" 

 

Before I had the chance to react, Alex jumped at him. I didn't even know Alex was near me, but he was. He landed on Thomas, knocking him to the ground. I couldn't do anything but stare while Alex, who was sitting on Thomas's chest, punched him repeatedly, giving him a bloody nose. Some girl next to me asked if he was single, to which I shot back, "The one on top isn't single. He's my boyfriend, so I would recommend backing off from him. However, I don't know about the one getting the shit beat out of him, but I assume he's single because he's just that big of an asshole. Hope I answered your question." 

 

At that point, Alex and Thomas were dragged off to the office for punishments. Thomas was suspended, again, since this was his second time getting in a fight during  the past 2 days he had been attending school, and Alex was let off with detention for the rest of the week because he was defending "another student" 

 

The next time I saw Alex, it was on the way to lunch. He hadn't tried to talk to me, which was a little weird, so I went up and tried to talk to him. 

"Hey" He looked up, saw who I was, and smiled. I never noticed how his eyes crinkled when he smiled. 

"Hey" 

"Thanks for defending me against Jefferson" 

"I'm at your service anytime, my liege" 

"I'm going to the party with you on Friday." 

"What?" 

"You've earned my trust back by punching the asshole" I bent down and kissed him. It had been almost two weeks since we'd full on kissed, and it was magical. As we broke the kiss, he whispered in my ear, "I heard what you said to the girl. Nice to know we're still dating" 

 

Damn, Hammy. Over the course of less than twelve hours, you had not only won my trust back, you had won my heart back. I kept thinking about him for the rest of the day. I couldn't keep my mind off his eyes, in particular. I loved the way they looked when the sun hit them just right, like a fiery auburn. I loved the way they looked when he was angry, the way they could go from a rich chocolate to almost black in a matter of seconds. I loved the was the edges crinkled when he laughed, I love how he expressed every emotion through his eyes. I loved how the dark circles under his eyes made them stand out even more, I loved everything about his eyes. I loved everything about his face. I loved the way he would have to stand on his toes to kiss me. I love how passionately he kissed me. I loved how he tasted like instant coffee and pure adrenaline. I loved the feelings he brought me, the ecstasy and bliss I felt every time I saw him, the rush of every feeling when we touched. I loved everything about him. 

 

I loved the way he cared. I loved the way he took the time to write those sweet letters. I loved the way he invited me to a party. I loved how he tried to win me back by fighting.  

But I also hated some things about him. I hated how he cared, but not enough to visit me in the hospital. I hated how he never seemed to really pay attention to me over these past few weeks until he almost lost me. I hated how he never could take care of himself, I hated how he kept secrets. 

 I hated some parts of Alexander Hamilton. I loved other parts of Alexander Hamilton. Most of me was neutral about Alexander Hamilton. He had hurt me, but he tried to make it better. He had loved me, but how could I be sure he loved me now? Going to the Schuyler Sisters' party would hopefully give me all the answers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tomorrows (is it going to be tomorrow? i dont know yet) chapter is going to be hell make sure your seatbelts are buckled we have a long ride


	10. The one where John ends it all

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *TW* cutting, suicide, cheating. 
> 
> this took me like 6 hours help

Going to the party was possibly one of the worst mistakes in my life. Everything had started out perfect, with Peggy, Alex, and I talking. The three of us had decided not to drink, Peggy so she could take care of the drunk people, Alex so he could drive people home, and I because I thought this was going to be the perfect night.  

 

An hour into the party, Alex had one beer. I told him not to because he would be driving, but he told me, "Babe I'm gonna be driving home in at least four hours. I'll be sober by then, considering I'm only a little tipsy." He sloppily kissed my cheek, then wandered off. I wandered off too.  

 

I found Eliza, who was just a little drunk, but she kept drinking. We talked for most of the evening, mostly about what our life goals were, who we wanted to marry, and our childhoods. Eliza was one of the sentimental drunks, so she started rambling about how much she loved her sisters. I wasn't really paying attention, just nodding occasionally so she would continue talking while I got lost in my thoughts. I was trying my hardest to really get into the party and drink a bit, but I just felt detached from everything. Like it wasn't real, like I wasn't real, like it was just a dream. Not a dream, a nightmare. My anxiety kicked in as soon as Eliza wandered off to go flirt with some guy and I realized I knew almost no one at this party. I felt alone, despite all the people around me.  

 

After two hours of wander around alone at the party, I found myself in someone's bedroom. I looked around, seeing the photos on the pastel yellow walls, and realized it was Peggy's room. I found a picture of us from when we skipped school with Maria and Alex, I found a picture of us from when we first became friends, I found a picture of Peggy with Angelica and Eliza on the first day of school for the past at least ten years.  

 

I decided to go downstairs to get some snacks. I grabbed a handful of chips from a bowl on the kitchen counter. Some girl tried to flirt with me. I felt really out of it, so I ignored her and went back upstairs. Given that I was feeling so overwhelmed, I sat in a corner of Peggy's room. I fell asleep. 

 

I was woken up by talking outside the door. It was distant murmurs, but I knew they were most likely coming in here to fuck. Some fucked up part of me decided to hide in the closet instead of leaving once they came in. I guess it was because I didn't want to be thrusted back into the swarming mass of people. The knob turned, I tried to make myself comfortable in Peggy's cramped closet. The voices became louder. Then I recognized them as Peggy and, wait, Alex. I figured they weren't coming in here to fuck, and I thought I could leave until I heard what they were saying.  

"Peggy, are you sure he won't find out? I just got him back" It was Alex. I didn't think "he" was me, I thought it was his dad or something. 

 

"Alexander. We'll be more careful. Can't you just tell him the same thing you told him last time?" 

 

   
"Peggy I had to tell him that I wasn't ready for sex. But that's not true, is it?  

 

It hit me. I was the "he" they were talking about. 

 

"No, Alexander, it isn't. God, I want you inside me so bad" 

 

Alexander was cheating on me with my best friend. 

 

"Your wish is my command." 

 

I watched as he latched onto her neck. His shirt came off, then hers, then their pants. It was like a car crash, I needed to look away, but I couldn't. The longer I looked the worse it got. They were both completely naked now, just pure skin on skin contact. Alex slid himself inside of her. 

 

"Fuck, Alex, you've gotten better at this. To think, just over a month ago we stopped doing this" 

 

It had been happening for a while.  

 

"I can't imagine why." 

 

The realization hit me like a truck. 

 

"We stopped because of John's pathetic ass, remember?" 

 

Alex laughed. 

 

"If only he would just take himself out of the picture." 

 

The texts Peggy had sent me weren't meant for Maria. They were meant for Alex. Back in the closet, I stifled a sob. Tears were running down my cheeks. I needed to leave but my legs wouldn't let me get up. I had to continue listening to them. 

 

"Why don't you just dump him already? Then we can actually date and I don't have to pretend to date Maria." 

 

I felt like I was going to throw up. 

 

   
"He needs to feel good about himself, Peggy. At least for a few more weeks." 

 

I leaned back into the wall and tried to shut them out. 

 

"Just shut up and fuck me, Alexander" 

 

Fuck. I can't believe this is happening. My boyfriend is cheating on me with my best fucking friend AND both of them hate me. Not to mention my dad, he hated me too. I don't think any of them hated me as much as I hated myself at this moment. I heard Peggy moan. 

 

"Fuck Peggy, I love how tight you are around me" 

 

I couldn't do this anymore. I knew neither of them were drunk anymore. I opened the closet door, somehow managing to sneak out without either of them noticing me. I didn't have a car and I needed a moment to compose myself before biking home, so I sat down on the steps outside. I cried for what seemed like years, but was actually half an hour. The door opened behind me. I started my walk home. I heard a voice call after me. 

 

"Hey, John, need a ride?" It was Alex. 

 

"No." It came out like a hiss. 

 

"Where are you going, at least?" 

 

"I'm going to take my pathetic ass out of the fucking picture, Alexander. Are you fucking happy now?" 

Alex ran inside. I started running home.  

 

It took me almost half an hour to run home. I checked my phone, discovering it was only 1:38, then went inside. I was lucky my parents decided to go on vacation at this exact moment. They would be back tomorrow, anyway. That gave me plenty of time to do what I needed to do. I slid down the door, crying. No one cared. 

 

I spent the next hour crying while trying to cheer myself up. I ignored the texts from Alex for the whole hour, and I finally opened them. 

 

**_FROM: ALEX_**  

**Alex** : Are you sure you don't need a ride? It's a pretty long run to your house. 

**Alex** : I know you're mad. Can we talk about this? 

**Alex** : John. Please answer. 

**Alex** : John, I really care about you and I want you to know the truth. 

**Alex** : You really want to know the truth? You should mind your own fucking business. This is why, you're going to end up getting hurt. You really should know that by now. 

**Alex** : John? 

**Alex** : Fine, ignore me. I hate you. 

 

I shut my phone off. I know what I have to do to get rid of all my problems. But first, one last chance at the real truth.  

 

**_TO: ALEX_**  

**Laurens:** meet me at the park we went to in ten. I want answers. 

 

I grabbed my bike out of the garage and started the ride. My tears had long since dried up, my eyes less red. I didn't wait for Alex's response. If he didn't come, so be it. I would guilt him. I would make him pay for what he did. 

 

He did end up coming to the park. I was sitting on a swing. He approached me, slowly. 

 

"Hey John." 

 

"Do you remember what happened here?" 

"I'm afraid not, please enlighten me" 

"It was so important to me, but you forgot. I painted the exact moment. I finished it on Wednesday. You can have it." I told him where I had stashed it. "Now you tell me the truth. Do you really hate me?" 

 

"John, you're an amazing person. Your art is fantastic, you're cute bu-"  

 

"Do you fucking hate me or not?" I growled. There was no point in trying to make up with him. I had made up my mind already. 

 

"Part of me does. Part of me doesn't. Are you happy?" He was almost yelling now. Timidly, I asked, "Have you cheated on me?" 

 

"I don't hate you that much." He was lying. That was the last straw for me, I was done. I was done with Alex and his bullshit, with Peggy and her bullshit. I was done with everything.  

 

I turned around, got on my bike, and sped away. I fumbled with my keys as I unlocked the door. This is it, my last hours. This was the end. 

 

I ran up to my room, grabbing some paper and a pen. In those moments, I poured out my entire heart and soul onto those papers, not caring who I hurt or how others felt. For once, this was about me. Not Alexander or Thomas or one of the Schuyler Sisters, me. 

 

_"I'm sure plenty of you have questions. I'll end up answering one: why? There are plenty of reasons why, most of them people. These are my final thoughts for those people, the ones they will associate me with for the rest of their lives._  

 

_Peggy Schuyler: You were the first person I met in this god_ _for_ _saken_ _town. You were the first friendly face in the halls, one of the first people to actually be nice to me. You invited me to sit with you and your sisters at lunch, making me feel safe and welcome. But, you soon became cold and distant. You shut yourself off from me as soon as I met Alexander. You pretended to not like him, but you were having sex with him. My best friend fucked my boyfriend. So fuck you._  

 

_Alexander Hamilton: You really fucked me up._ _Badly_ _. So bad that you're the primary reason I'm doing this to myself. You were supposed to be my loving boyfriend, the one who was by my side no matter what. You lead me to believe you cared. But you don't at all. It would've been easier for you to break it off with me, but you stayed with me because you thought I am pathetic. Well fuck, I forgot I can't use present tense verbs anymore, since I'll be long gone by the time you read this. You lied about fucking Peggy, but I was there. I heard it all. I heard you saying how you wanted my ass out of the picture. So here I am, taking my ass out of the picture so you can be with my backstabbing whore best friend. Tell me, Alexander, is it worth it? Is it worth it to have caused one of your peers to take their own life because you were too selfish to tell them how you actually feel? Is it worth it to see it all laid out for you on paper, is it worth it? Everyone you know is going to end up seeing this. I hope it was fucking worth it. Take my art project as a last reminder of what you've done._  

 

_Thomas Jefferson: You didn't do as much as the other people here. You did one thing, and that was to make me get angry enough to throw punches. I had never gotten in a fight before, did you know that? You punched me until I was down and then you kicked me to make sure I wouldn't get up for a while. You put me in the fucking hospital. Was it all because you were that protective of James?_  

 

_James Madison: You actually aren't that bad of a person. You were the only one that cared enough to visit me in the hospital. You offered to talk about my problems, but then you turned them against me. I trusted you to do one thing James, one fucking thing, but you failed me and told Thomas. Did he force you to do it? I guess I'll never know, will I._  

 

_Henry Laurens: I don't know if I can call you Dad anymore. You belittled me when I really needed help, indirectly causing the fight that landed me in the hospital. You moved our family to a different fucking state because you wanted more power, whether it be in politics or your own fucking family. I hope that when you read this, your face goes pale white when you realize what you've done._  

 

_Angelica and Eliza Schuyler_ _, Hercules Mulligan, Lafayette: You guys didn't do anything wrong. You just_ _didn't do enough right. I hope you guys miss me and tell my story. Tell parents to accept their kids. Tell people not to be cheating assholes. Tell people that their actions have consequences. Tell people about what happened to me._  

 

_In conclusion, everyone on this list hurt me. I want whoever finds it to release it to the public. I want people to know what I did and why. I want people to tell the truth. But I also want people to feel my pain. I want people to understand what it's like to have nothing. I want people to know what it feels like to be alone in a crowded room. I want people to know what I felt. I want people to know everything._  

 

_Goodbye,_  

_John Laurens."_  

 

That was it. That was my note. My last statement to a cold, uncaring world. My last hurrah before entering the void. My last words. It didn't occur to me that I hadn't thought about how I was going to go yet. I could take some drugs, but I don't want my body to look like nothing's wrong. I could hang myself, but I don't have the energy to learn how to tie a reliable noose at this moment. Then it hit me, I would slit my fucking wrists. 

 

Quickly and efficiently, I changed into a set of nice clothes. I pulled my hair back into a neat ponytail, found some razors, and climbed into the bathtub. To be honest, I was a little scared. I had never slit my wrists before, but my head wouldn't let me turn back now. 

 

I climbed into the bathtub after closing the door behind me. I couldn't risk anyone coming home and finding me before I was dead. I sat in the bathtub, wondering if it really was worth it. But then I remembered. Alex meant what he said. He had lied to me about cheating. Lafayette and Hercules wouldn't let me sit with them at lunch because of what "I did" to Alex, and same with the Schuyler Sisters with Peggy. I can see now why she was the least popular of all her sisters, knowing that deep down she was a backstabbing bitch. They didn't care. They would never care. No one cared, no one would care.  

I made slashed one line down my wrist. I watched as the blood formed in droplets across the cut. But I wasn't cutting deep enough. It hurt like hell, but I just reminded myself that no one cared, not even me. 

 

I made a deeper cut. This time, the blood ran down my arm, dancing across my skin.  

 

I cut again, watching as the two blood streams mingled and mixed together. This is what I am now. 

 

I made an even deeper cut, watching the blood flow steadily from my wrist and stain my clothes. 

 

I moved to the other wrist. The razor felt different in my non-dominant hand. I slashed against my wrist once. Twice. A third time, until the blood ran down the sides of the bathtub, soaking into my shirt. This is what I've become. 

 

It wasn't enough blood to be fatal. I moved down to my legs, cutting deep scars on the undersides of my thighs. I watched the blood streams mix again, this time an even darker red compared to the bleached white porcelain of the bathtub. This was it. This was the end. 

 

My last thoughts mixed together in a blur, the thoughts that no one would ever hear. I gave up, leaning my head against the back of the bathtub. Everything went black. Goodbye, John Laurens.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My next book is probably going to be oneshots of various hamilton pairings so if you have any requests feel free to ask :).  
> Also i swear i can write happy stuff


End file.
